Twelve conversations before a lifelong commitment.

Rate each statement 0–4, U or N/A. Circle an item number in the workbook if it needs particular attention.

1. 2.1

   I understand marriage as a continuing commitment involving practical responsibility, not a cure for loneliness.

2. 2.2

   I expect both people to retain dignity, agency, friendships and appropriate personal space.

3. 2.3

   I can describe everyday acts of love beyond romance, gifts, sex or a wedding celebration.

4. 2.4

   I am willing to share household work, planning and care rather than assume these belong automatically to one gender.

5. 2.5

   I can explain my beliefs about marital roles and listen respectfully to a different Christian interpretation.

6. 2.6

   I distinguish Christian convictions from family customs and personal preferences.

7. 2.7

   I expect difficult seasons and can discuss support, adaptation and repair without romanticising suffering.

8. 2.8

   I understand that faithfulness includes honesty and responsible use of money, attention and online relationships.

9. 2.9

   I am willing to serve without using sacrifice to purchase control or demand gratitude.

10. 2.10

    I do not interpret covenant, forgiveness or submission as permission for abuse or coercion.

11. 2.11

    I can name expectations I formed from social media, films, sermons or other people’s marriages.

12. 2.12

    I am willing to discuss marriage realistically before making lifelong promises.

• A strength
• A growth priority
• An item I need to observe rather than assume

Scripture to explore in contextEphesians 5:21–33; Colossians 3:12–19; 1 Corinthians 13:4–7

1. 01

   Complete this sentence honestly: I expect marriage to give me… Which expectations belong to my own growth or wider support?

2. 02

   Describe an ordinary weekday in the marriage you hope to build. Who notices, plans and completes the work?

3. 03

   Which teachings about leadership, submission and service shape you? How would they preserve both people’s dignity and freedom?

4. 04

   What would faithfulness and loving partnership look like during financial stress, illness or disappointment?

You picture a future spouse handling the home, soothing every distress and adapting to your career. You have not considered what their ambitions or exhaustion might require from you.

Before reading the response, ask: What would I feel? What would I do? What needs protection or change?

Speak with a mature married person or couple who can discuss ordinary responsibilities honestly. Record three assumptions you revised and one practical skill you need to learn.

• My action
• By

Rate each statement 0–4, U or N/A. Circle an item number in the workbook if it needs particular attention.

1. 3.1

   I sustain spiritual practices without using public religious activity to hide private neglect.

2. 3.2

   I usually follow through on commitments and communicate early when circumstances change.

3. 3.3

   I can identify my emotions and take responsibility for my actions when upset.

4. 3.4

   I can calm myself without threats, insults, reckless spending or punishing silence.

5. 3.5

   I manage basic routines such as meals, appointments, cleaning and personal administration.

6. 3.6

   I seek help when I need it rather than make a partner responsible for rescuing me.

7. 3.7

   I can receive feedback and identify at least one change I made because of it.

8. 3.8

   I can express needs directly rather than expect others to guess or prove love through mind-reading.

9. 3.9

   I can balance work, rest, faith, friendships and care without chronically neglecting essential responsibilities.

10. 3.10

    I can name one or two trusted people who know my actual habits and may challenge me.

11. 3.11

    I take responsibility for harmful patterns without blaming temperament, stress, gender or my past.

12. 3.12

    I make room for another person’s needs while retaining appropriate limits and self-respect.

• A strength
• A growth priority
• An item I need to observe rather than assume

Scripture to explore in contextGalatians 5:22–23; James 1:19–20; Luke 16:10 , Colossians 3:13, Ephisians 4:32

1. 01

   Which promises did I keep or break in the last month? What pattern does this reveal?

2. 02

   When overwhelmed, what happens in my body, speech and decisions? What helps me pause before causing harm?

3. 03

   What responsibilities would I quietly expect a spouse to take over because I have avoided learning them?

4. 04

   Who can challenge me safely and honestly? What would they say I need to practise now?

You want to marry soon but often miss appointments, ignore difficult messages and rely on family to manage bills. You assume marriage will make you more organised.

Before reading the response, ask: What would I feel? What would I do? What needs protection or change?

Choose one reliability habit and one regulation habit. Practise them for 30 days, recording missed attempts as well as successes. Review what changed with a trusted person.

• My action
• By

Rate each statement 0–4, U or N/A. Circle an item number in the workbook if it needs particular attention.

1. 5.1

   I can distinguish essential convictions from flexible preferences and explain why each matters.

2. 5.2

   I can discuss faith, church involvement and doctrinal differences without assuming a Christian label settles them.

3. 5.3

   I have considered whether I want children and how I would discuss uncertainty or different hopes.

4. 5.4

   I can explain my career, service or study ambitions and the sacrifices they may involve.

5. 5.5

   I have considered location, relocation and obligations to people who depend on me.

6. 5.6

   I can discuss spending, saving, giving and financial priorities without treating my approach as the only valid one.

7. 5.7

   I have examined my expectations around household roles and how decisions should be shared.

8. 5.8

   I can discuss lifestyle differences such as social habits, alcohol, rest, privacy and online behaviour.

9. 5.9

   I am willing to ask difficult questions early enough for honest answers to influence my decisions.

10. 5.10

    I do not plan to change a person’s core convictions after commitment.

11. 5.11

    I can evaluate a difference without labelling the other person inferior or ungodly.

12. 5.12

    I can accept that strong attraction and shared faith may coexist with an unsuitable practical match.

• A strength
• A growth priority
• An item I need to observe rather than assume

Scripture to explore in contextJames 1:5; Proverbs 15:22; Romans 12:2

1. 01

   List five essentials and five preferences. For each essential, explain the value or practical consequence underneath it.

2. 02

   What are my current hopes about children, location, work, church and household roles? Mark anything genuinely undecided.

3. 03

   Which differences could I negotiate fairly, and which would require me or the other person to abandon a core conviction?

4. 04

   What facts would I need before assuming we are compatible? Where might I be hoping someone will change?

You hope to raise children near extended family. A prospective partner does not want children and plans a long-term move abroad. Both of you are committed Christians and enjoy each other deeply.

Before reading the response, ask: What would I feel? What would I do? What needs protection or change?

Create a compatibility map with four columns: topic, my current position, what is flexible, and questions to discuss. Include faith, children, work, money, location, roles, family and intimacy.

• My action
• By

Rate each statement 0–4, U or N/A. Circle an item number in the workbook if it needs particular attention.

1. 6.1

   I can explain what I mean by dating, courtship, exclusivity and commitment.

2. 6.2

   I can communicate interest respectfully and accept a refusal without repeated pressure.

3. 6.3

   I clarify intentions rather than use ambiguity to obtain emotional closeness without responsibility.

4. 6.4

   I am willing to let knowledge and develop trust before major emotional, financial or practical entanglement.

5. 6.5

   I can discuss pace and boundaries without using urgency, guilt or spiritual claims.

6. 6.6

   I maintain friendships and responsibilities while getting to know someone.

7. 6.7

   I am willing to date transparently enough for appropriate trusted support without surrendering my agency.

8. 6.8

   I respect another person’s time, privacy and differing level of interest.

9. 6.9

   I can discuss exclusivity rather than assume it or secretly contradict an agreement.

10. 6.10

    I avoid using gifts, money, housing or dependence to create a sense of obligation.

11. 6.11

    I can end an unsuitable connection clearly and kindly without promises I do not mean.

12. 6.12

    I do not confuse persistence after refusal, constant access or intense early attention with love.

• A strength
• A growth priority
• An item I need to observe rather than assume

Scripture to explore in contextProverbs 4:23; Matthew 5:37; Philippians 2:3–4,Colossian 3: 17, Song of Solomon 3:5

1. 01

   What do I want from dating at this stage, and how would I explain it without making premature promises?

2. 02

   Which boundaries around time, privacy, spending, physical affection and digital contact do I need?

3. 03

   What signs would tell me the pace is exceeding how well we actually know each other?

4. 04

   How would I respond if the other person wanted to slow down or end things? Write the words you would use.

After two weeks, someone wants daily late-night calls, exclusivity and a wedding timetable. You feel flattered but exhausted and afraid that asking to slow down will ruin the opportunity.

Before reading the response, ask: What would I feel? What would I do? What needs protection or change?

Write a personal dating plan covering intention, pace, exclusivity, physical boundaries, digital privacy, spending and trusted support. Practise one direct conversation aloud.

• My action
• By

Rate each statement 0–4, U or N/A. Circle an item number in the workbook if it needs particular attention.

1. 8.1

   I listen to understand before preparing my defence or rebuttal.

2. 8.2

   I can describe a concern using a specific behaviour rather than attack someone’s identity.

3. 8.3

   I can state my feelings, needs and requests directly without expecting mind-reading.

4. 8.4

   I can hear disagreement without treating it as rejection or disrespect by default.

5. 8.5

   I can request a pause respectfully and agree when and how to return to the discussion.

6. 8.6

   I do not use insults, mockery, threats, intimidation or property damage during conflict.

7. 8.7

   I do not withdraw contact to punish someone or force agreement.

8. 8.8

   I can apologise for my conduct without adding excuses that cancel responsibility.

9. 8.9

   I can distinguish an explanation for my behaviour from a justification for harm.

10. 8.10

    I follow repair with action and can identify a recurring pattern I have worked to change.

11. 8.11

    I can negotiate a practical solution that takes both people’s needs seriously.

12. 8.12

    I know that fear, coercion and abuse require a different response from ordinary disagreements.

• A strength
• A growth priority
• An item I need to observe rather than assume

Scripture to explore in contextJames 1:19–20; Ephesians 4:25–32; Proverbs 15:1, Colossians 4:6

1. 01

   Recall your last disagreement. What was the issue, what did you assume, and what did you actually say or do?

2. 02

   What does a respectful time-out look like for you? How will you prevent it becoming avoidance or punishment?

3. 03

   Write an apology for a real mistake using: what I did, its impact, my responsibility and what I will change.

4. 04

   What topics make you defensive? How could you raise one using a clear observation, feeling and request?

When a friend challenges you, you stop replying for several days, hoping they will apologise first. You call this taking space, but you never explain when you will return.

Before reading the response, ask: What would I feel? What would I do? What needs protection or change?

Practise a ten-minute listening conversation with a trusted person. Summarise their view before sharing yours. For one recurring conflict, write a specific repair and review whether it happens.

• My action
• By

Rate each statement 0–4, U or N/A. Circle an item number in the workbook if it needs particular attention.

1. 9.1

   I know my income, essential costs, debts and ongoing financial commitments.

2. 9.2

   I can explain my spending and saving patterns without hiding purchases or liabilities.

3. 9.3

   I use a realistic budget or equivalent system suited to my circumstances.

4. 9.4

   I distinguish generosity from giving beyond my means to obtain approval or avoid guilt.

5. 9.5

   I can discuss employment, work demands and uncertainty without exaggerating my stability.

6. 9.6

   I have considered responsibilities to children, relatives or others who depend on me.

7. 9.7

   I can set respectful limits around extended-family requests and expectations.

8. 9.8

   I expect important financial decisions to involve honest discussion and appropriate shared consent.

9. 9.9

   I do not treat earning more as permission to control someone else’s access to money.

10. 9.10

    I can perform household tasks and recognise planning, remembering and organising as work.

11. 9.11

    I can discuss wedding costs, housing and future priorities without assuming debt is unavoidable.

12. 9.12

    I am willing to disclose significant financial commitments at an appropriate stage before engagement.

• A strength
• A growth priority
• An item I need to observe rather than assume

Scripture to explore in contextProverbs 21:5; Luke 14:28; 1 Timothy 5:8

1. 01

   What would a prospective partner need to understand about my financial position? List amounts, obligations and uncertainties.

2. 02

   What did my family teach me about money, giving, status and supporting relatives? Which habits help or hinder me?

3. 03

   Which responsibilities would continue after marriage, and what boundaries might they require?

4. 04

   How would I share household labour, planning and spending decisions if earnings or working hours changed?

You send substantial money to relatives but conceal the amounts because you fear a future partner will object. You also expect them to pay most household costs while you decide what family support continues.

Before reading the response, ask: What would I feel? What would I do? What needs protection or change?

Prepare a one-page financial snapshot with income, costs, debt, savings, giving and family support. Complete one household task from planning through cleanup. Write one respectful family-boundary sentence.

• My action
• By

Rate each statement 0–4, U or N/A. Circle an item number in the workbook if it needs particular attention.

1. 11.1

   I can distinguish readiness to date from readiness to become engaged to a particular person.

2. 11.2

   I know which conversations should happen before engagement rather than be postponed until after it.

3. 11.3

   I am willing to discuss beliefs, church participation and marital-role expectations with clarity.

4. 11.4

   I can discuss children, parenting hopes and existing responsibilities honestly.

5. 11.5

   I am prepared for appropriate financial disclosure and a realistic housing and work plan.

6. 11.6

   I can identify relevant health or support needs to discuss respectfully, without demanding unnecessary private detail.

7. 11.7

   I am willing to address significant patterns, unresolved commitments or ongoing deception before deeper promises.

8. 11.8

   I welcome sound premarital preparation from suitably qualified or appropriately trained support.

9. 11.9

   I can tolerate slowing down when important questions remain unanswered.

10. 11.10

    I do not let a planned wedding, family excitement or money already spent override serious concerns.

11. 11.11

    I expect both people to choose engagement freely without threats, coercion or spiritual pressure.

12. 11.12

    I am willing to test plans against actual behaviour over time rather than rely solely on promises.

• A strength
• A growth priority
• An item I need to observe rather than assume

Scripture to explore in contextProverbs 15:22; Luke 14:28; James 1:5

1. 01

   What would I need to know and discuss before saying yes to engagement? Identify topics rather than demand an ideal answer.

2. 02

   Which facts or responsibilities am I tempted to postpone disclosing because I fear rejection?

3. 03

   How would I know that a concern had genuinely improved? What behaviour and time would provide useful evidence?

4. 04

   What support would I want for premarital preparation, and how would I choose a person with appropriate competence?

Family members have begun discussing a wedding before you have talked about debt, children or where you will live. You feel that asking questions now will embarrass everyone.

Before reading the response, ask: What would I feel? What would I do? What needs protection or change?

Create a pre-engagement conversation list covering faith, character, safety, conflict, money, work, location, children, family, intimacy and relevant support needs. Mark discussed, unclear or not yet applicable.

• My action
• By